The Ubyssey on “lacteal secretions”

The Ubyssey is a paper/website run by students from the University of British Columbia (UBC). It’s a hoot to read their take on raw milk in the passage below, excerpted from their October 20th, 2008 editorial titled “Tasty Teat Transgressions”:

“No person shall sell the normal lacteal secretion obtained from the mammary gland of the cow, genus Bos, or of any other animal…unless the secretion or dairy production has been pasteurized…”

This newspaper has, historically, come out in favor of legalization. Abortion. Marijuana. Alcohol. Gay marriage. Prostitution. Sodomy. And so today we’ll add yet another to our list: Unpasteurized milk.

Humans have consumed raw milk for millennia, yet seventeen years ago, the Canadian government decided that unpasteurized milk was a danger to the intestines of individuals across our fair nation and banned its distribution and sale.

Last Monday morning, Ontario farmer Michael Schmidt was found guilty of contempt of court for selling the sweet, unadulterated nectar of a cow’s teat.

Mr Schmidt isn’t the first to have been charged and convicted for selling raw milk: its sale and distribution is illegal in Australia, Scotland, and the United States. Pennsylvanian Amish supply a bustling black market catering to lactose lovers in both New York and Boston. Clandestine tasting clubs have popped up in major metropolises across the continent….”

Read the whole thing here.

Editors note: actually raw milk is legal in many of the United States. And that “seventeen years ago” should have been “seventy years ago”. But they’re students; they’re still learning.

Now what about the “abnormal lacteal secretions” of the genius boss? Can we sell those?

Perhaps raw milk will soon become the “controlled substance” of choice on university campuses across the nation. Wouldn’t that be something else? Students could hold “drink in” protests, calling for legalization. It could become such a lucrative black market that biker gangs and the mafia would set up clandestine raw dairy farms, and dealers would be telling users stuff like “Hey man, this shit is the real thing; of course it’s organic; hell, it’s even biodynamic.” And decades laters, parapolitical scholars would speculate as to whether it was all a CIA plot engineered by The Tavistock Institute to distract the youth of the day from more fundamental threats to Canada’s national sovereignty and security.

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